Congratulations, General Motors! Your stock may be in the toilet, but your Hummer H3 "Little Monster" television commercial has been named the 2006 "Most Sociopathic Superbowl Vehicle Ad."

The commercial opens with a giant, grotesque monster, kind of a cross between Godzilla and Ed Asner, stomping through a Chicago-like city. The big lizard is wrecking havoc, swatting the tops off of buildings, until it is confronted by a giant robot with glowing red eyes. Rather than fighting with each other, they fall in love at first sight, clasp hands, and walk off into the smoggy sunset. With some hopefully-very-well-compensated indie rock band intoning "Love is Strange" in the background, the monster and robot cuddle on the banks of a burned-out urban industrial river. We see no human beings anywhere in Hummer City.

Time passes and in the next scene we see that the Asner-esque monster is actually a she. And she has become pregnant -- very pregnant. Gut reaction: Puke! Soon the giant lizard gives birth to a blood red Hummer H3. Thankfully, the birth scene is not graphic. Proud daddy robot comes over to see his baby. Mommy puts it down on the road and it drives off into the distance, presumably looking for gasoline pump to feed on. The screen flashes the text, "It's a little monster" and then, as in every Hummer ad, zooms up and out to a shot of Planet Earth viewed from space.

Though repulsed on many levels, we found there to be something refreshingly honest about the metaphorical sub-text of this ad. It basically seemed to be saying: The Hummer H3. It is a disgusting monster. It is born of forces that are completely destroying your city. And look! Zoom to Earth view. It's destroying your planet too! Hummer: Like no other.

American car culture has long since moved to a place beyond absurdity or even parody. I believe this place might be called cynicism. I mean, if an environmental group wanted to make a mock ad illustrating the way in which gigantic, useless SUV's are laying waste to our cities and screwing up our global environment, they could have produced this very same spot. In the American automotive industry circa 2006, the sales pitch is the parody.

I think you pretty much have to interpret the Little Monster ad as a sign of the auto industry's growing desperation. Spiralling towards insolvency yet too stuck in its bureaucratic quagmire to change course, Detroit knows that America doesn't need a Hummer H3. Sure some of us want them. Some of us will buy them -- some of us will buy anything. But the car guys have to know that, fundamentally, the U.S. needs a fleet of smaller cars, more efficient cars, and safer cars not just for their own passengers but for the pedestrians and drivers of smaller cars who are being killed in large numbers by these "little monsters." Scariest of all, the automotive industry must have some inkling that America needs more trains and buses. We need more bikeable and walkable cities. We need fewer cars all around.

The "Little Monster" ad almost seems like a subconscious acknowledgement by the G.M. people that they know all of this. They know their H3 product is silly, unnecessary, unhelpful, even destructive. They can't sell this vehicle by any rational means. So, they give us a love story between a giant lizard and a robot along with a detailed backstory to really get us immersed in the brand and distract us from the increasingly un-entertaining facts surrounding their products -- facts like rising gas prices, traffic-choked, asthmatic cities, oil war, and global climate change.

First runner-up:
Second prize goes to the Toyota pick-up truck ad -- I think the truck is called a Tacoma. The ad shows a red pick-up truck pulling up to a rocky beach. A surfer gets out of the cab, grabs his board and runs into the water. The surf begins to rise suddenly and next thing we know, the pick-up truck is bobbing in the surf, crashing up against boulders and waves. It all looks very realistic, and given recent catastrophic flooding events in New Orleans and the Indian Ocean, the sight of a humongo pick-up truck bobbing around in the surf like a toy is arresting. The waves recedes and the truck settles back to the spot of beach where it was originally parked. The surfer returns, loads his board, and drives off. The inevitable sub-text of this one is: Sure, our trucks are helping to cause global warming, rising sea levels and increasing likelihood of more intense tropical storms, and hurricanes, but surf's up, dude!

Second runner-up:
Honorable mention goes to the Ford Escape Hybrid ad featuring Kermit the Frog. Kermit is mountain biking, kayaking, and mountain climbing -- doing all of the vigorous outdoor activities that "environmentalists" must be interested in (in America, the "environment" is something far away that you have to drive to). In the background we hear the classic Muppet tune, "It's Not Easy Being Green." At the top of a mountain Kermit parts the underbrush and finds a Ford Escape SUV waiting for him. He sees the word "Hybrid" on the back of the truck, the music stops and Kermit says, "Hmm, I guess it is easy being green." The sub-text being: All you have to do is buy this 36 mpg vehicle and you can rest easy knowing that you have done all you can for the future of your planet.

Let's hope the City of Detroit can live for a while off of the revenues generated by hosting the Superbowl XL extravaganza. If the products and sales pitches coming out of the auto industry are any indication, this town and the industry that supports it are screwed.

9:51 PM | Link |