As vehicles have grown bigger and more intimidating, so too have their horns. In New York City, the horn is used not for emergencies but to express aggravation or to tell pedestrians to get out of the way. When you blast your horn, you're basically shouting "fuck you" at 70 decibels in the middle of a crowded street. Horn-blasting is profoundly anti-social behavior. Look up the clinical definition of sociopath. You'll see that it pretty much describes a New York City motorist.

Back in the day I was a one-man pedestrian insurrection. The most common anti-honking technique I employed was to step out into the street and, moving quickly, smack down with great force on the honker's roof with open palms. When possible, I would perform the smack directly above the driver's head. It's best to use this technique in mid-honk to ensure that the motorist is able to make the connection between his behavior and your reaction. It is remarkably gratifying to stop a honk with your bare hands.

My second (and favorite) technique could really only be used on warm summer days. I would approach the honker's open passenger window with an innocent, inquisitive look on my face, pointing to my wrist as if I were about to ask the time. Then I would lean into the car and honk back at the driver at the absolute top of my lungs.

New York City motorists can't stand to be confronted about their anti-social behavior. Cocooned in plush bucket seats, talking on the phone, surrounded by cup-holders, today's car interior is designed to help the motorist forget he is in public space. When you confront New York City motorists about their assholish behavior—even if you just politely tap on their window, as I have done, and say, "Hey, why did you blast your horn like that back there?" they tend to freak out. It's as if a stranger is walking into their bedroom and telling them to turn down the volume on their tv.

When you're meting out vigilante justice to honkers, there are a few basic rules to follow. Most important, stand to the side of the vehicle as you smack it, not in front where you can be run over. Before you confront a honker, make sure you've scoped out an escape route. The ideal confrontation scenario is a one-way street with too much traffic for the honker to back up or turn around and come after you. If you're acting alone, stick to single-passenger vehicles.

Most likely, the confronted honker will think that you are the dangerous sociopath and will not leave his car to come after you. Hopefully, he will think about the incident on his drive home. He will sleep fitfully that night. And the next time he drives into the city, he will be terrified by the idea that pissed-off New York City pedestrians are leaping out into the street and attacking those who honk their horns too much.


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